I wanted to check in with you and touch base on ‘the morning after’ and see if you were okay, because frankly…I wasn’t. I asked you last Friday how you kept the faith, and I was so pleased with your answers. If you feel the need to revisit this, then check this out!
I watched the episode last Thursday night, and I was stunned by it. As Brennan was processing her reaction to Lauren, I was processing my reaction to Brennan. It gives me a headache to think about it, but it’s true. Brennan’s struggle was like a mirror to me, and I felt crushed under the weight of the reality in my own life.
Why do I still have hope in B&B? Because I really want to have hope in myself. Why did I cry myself to sleep that night? Because of the loneliness I see in my future.
Sorry to be kind of a downer, but I’m just being honest. You may have noticed that my posts on Friday, Saturday and Sunday were sort of faith-less. Some of you even emailed me about them, telling me that it was clear I was having some sort of crisis, and I should keep the faith.
I’ll show you fear and a handful of dust.
That’s where I was emotionally for about two days after I watched the episode, and while I was watching it.
When Brennan grew nervous at first, I was nervous. When she felt like she was explaining the truth and no one believed her, I was anxious. When Hannah told her and Booth that she didn’t like their fighting, I practically shouted, “Who the frak asked you!?!? GO AWAY! Goawaygoawaygoawaygoaway!!!!” Yes, it was childish, and in hindsight, I’m glad that Booth tossed that aside in favor of ‘bickering’ or whatever he was going to say. Brennan on the other hand, had more of a childish reaction, yelling at Booth and taking their bickering personally.
The only reason I’m telling you all of this is so that if you are feeling slightly off about it, well…you’re not alone. If I’m the only one…well, it wouldn’t be the first time. I’m feeling much better now; time has a way of doing that. Time, and talking it over with other people, of course. Again, I’m only bringing it up now as a validation to anyone else who may have felt even a bit of that. My GMMR post (here) was somewhat clear headed, but if I would have had to write it last night, it would have been a disaster. And while I believe everything I said in it, I wrote it on Tuesday, five days after watching the episode. I wanted to share with YOU my initial, albeit kind of gritty, reaction to the episode. It seemed only fair since you all would be discussing it here for the first time. And for me, I needed time to process, a place to discuss it. Even then, I was too close to it to see what was really happening. I was having a Brennan experience while watching her have an experience.
Yeah, exactly. Haha.
I completely understand that I’m projecting. That I’m a 30 year old woman who loves her job and has no children is not a secret. Most days, I’m happy with that, but for some reason, after this episode, I was just completely struck by loneliness. Okay, disclaimer…by the time I’d finished watching it, it was 3 AM, so yes…I was somewhat not clearheaded, but still… the principle was there…once again,
I’ll show you fear and a handful of dust.
I sort of felt ashamed of the amount of time and love I’ve spent on this show. Not that I didn’t like the episode, because I really did. It’s more that I was literally sobbing at the end, and sort of also aware that I was doing it. “You should not be reacting like this,” “Don’t you think I know this? Tell that to my broken heart,” “Your broken heart has nothing to do with this show and everything to do with the fact that you are lonely.” This is the conversation I had with myself. #Yes,IKnowIHaveIssues, hahaha. But for the first time ever, I thought… “I can’t do this anymore”. Again, I’m not mad or dissatisfied or spamming BONES sites anonymously with “BONES SUCKS!” posts or anything like that. I’m not mad…I was just crushed. Stunned. Heartbroken. And as Thursday turned into Friday, I found myself dwelling on it, thinking about Booth’s rescuing Brennan, how vulnerable she was, and how her confession was painful for both of them. And I cried a bit more. And on Saturday morning, I woke up and sort of stared at my computer, wondering what to write about, realizing that my wishes for Brennan to ‘get a clue’ were somewhat prophetic (though I don’t claim to be the only one who thought that) and self-serving in that I didn’t really weigh how much it would cost for her to get a clue. And the reality was that her getting a clue meant I needed to get a clue. And that was/is painful sometimes.
It’s more that I felt like I had to present this completely happy, confident, hope and patience and eventually and someday and there’s someone for everyone face, and I just didn’t have it in me, and I didn’t know if I would again. Not for B&B, because even despite all of this, I could still understand that it’s fiction and B&B will get together, and it will be awesome. I could still understand this at the basic level, but for the first time ever, it didn’t make a difference. And it’s because BONES was too personal for me. Dearest Pal Ashley K and I joked the other night that BONES used to be our escape; now it’s the most angsty thing in our lives! What is THAT about???
Normally after an episode like this, I would take some time off from Bones. The season four finale was one such episode, and likewise the 100th episode. I just needed perspective and peace and quiet in some ways. With Bones Theory, that doesn’t seem realistic, and frankly, I don’t want to take a break. I’m just sorting through it all, that’s all! It’s just ironic that the thing that has sort of captured my life is also the thing that is telling me that it might be unhealthy, haha.
Maybe my posts might seem a bit frivolous (as in I’ve already begun the Top Five Places I want to Touch Booth, starting with this…
I don’t want to talk about the angst all of the time, but I also don’t want to avoid it. Bones Theory is kind of unique…actually, it’s VERY unique!…It’s not a forum, but it’s also not a TV fan site or news site or even just MY blogging anymore, so I think we’re all sort of figuring this out together. Appreciate your graciousness in all of that! Several of you have emailed me already, which I love. Some of you have decided to take a break from Bones for awhile, and I get that. Some of you have new theories you’re desperate to explore, and I get that too. Anyone who wants to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org is welcome to do that. Sometimes you just have to lay everything out on paper. It’s funny, because even as I was thinking that I really wasn’t sure I could write about BONES any longer after I watched the ep, I opened up my computer and wrote out about 3 pages of feelings, emotions and reactions I didn’t want to forget. Like this…
People say, “It’s just a TV show; it shouldn’t affect you like that.” Don’t you think we don’t know this? Like baby ducks, somehow at some time, we’ve been imprinted with Bones, and it’s painful both with and without it. I’m sorry, but this episode was not ‘just an episode of TV’. I’ve never seen a single episode where every MILLISECOND was deliberate and so perfectly done. Never.
And I felt nervous for you all, feeling contradictory hope that you’d be spared the pain I was feeling but also that you’d share in it so I wouldn’t be alone in it. Talking about it is like wearing my emotions on a very public online sleeve, and that’s not easy for me to do sometimes. Then again, we are only known as much as we allow ourselves to be known.
Okay, this MAQ has gone on LONG enough! I was SUPPOSED to be asking about YOU, but instead, I ended up talking more about myself. Tsk tsk! So, let me hear it. Let me know what you loved about the episode, what broke your heart, what still gives you hope and what you’re struggling with.
Peace, Love & Bones!